I'm gonna be honest.
I was not going to write this today. I actually had lots of other plans, in fact this isn't event the first blog I've written today. It's the third. Which for someone like me who can barely write at a fifth grade level is quite the accomplishment. Blame Sylvania schools for not holding me back a grade.
Here's why I'm frustrated. I feel as if nothing I do is ever right. Now let me start off by saying this is not a pity party blog but more of a venting of my frustrations. Hopefully by purging this out of my system I'll either get over it or someone who has felt this way before can help a sister out. We praise people for speaking out but we also ridicule them for having issues in the first place. I feel that ever since we became constantly connected with social media (and part of this has to deal with me living my life very publicly) its expected that we're positive all the time. But news flash. Sometimes life sucks and we get stuck in ruts and in my case if I don't vent about it, I'll literally explode when it all bubbles over.
I'll be the first person to admit I'm what people consider a "loud personality". But to be fair all I really want in life is for people around me to be happy and if that means making a spectacle out of myself in order to do it then I will. But I also know that sometimes it can be too much. I just don't ever really realize it until it's too late. So great now I've just pissed people off, which because of how much I want to please others absolutely destroys me inside because I feel like I've let others down. The other side of that is when I'm having a quiet day, where I don't want to be the class clown now there's something wrong, or I'm called a bitch. Yes here's the fun part of being the outgoing personality. When you want to be introverted, its assumed you're just being bitchy today or you're on your period. No Brenda I don't want to entertain you today and now that you're used to it, it's my problem if you don't feel like I live up to your expectations.
There are few people who are called dumb less regularly than me. You would be amazed at how many times I've had someone tell me online, on air, and straight up to my face how dumb I am, and because I'm such a people pleaser I rarely stand up for myself and just laugh it off like "oh you're right!" which I shouldn't be doing! For every opinion I have (which is an opinion, I don't make lifes rules! Why you so mad I think differently than you?) there is someone telling me I'm too dumb to be talking about it. It straight up does not matter what the topic is. Which to be honest. I try not to take life too seriously at least not on the air. If I'm too positive about something I'm dumb or I don't realize how hard people have it but if I'm blunt and realistic then people call me too negative or cynical.
For example, I said (and I stand behind this) that when you don't have kids, and you don't regularly schedule date time with your significant other that holidays like anniversaries and Valentine's Day are absolutely stupid. Should you celebrate your anniversary and remember how much you love your significant other? Of course! Should you buy me a designer wallet because it's February 14th? No, that's so inauthentic. I want you to do something nice because you want to, not because you feel obligated to.
I said that. I believe that. Someone said I'll always be single because I'm too negative about anniversaries. I'm too dumb to understand what a real relationship is like. Honestly I'll always be wrong to someone and that's overwhelmingly negative.
I'm open about my struggles and I'm whiny. I hide them and I'm inauthentic.
Sometimes it feels like nothing is right.
But then, I realize, everyone feels this way sometimes. AND ITS OK! What's not ok is ridiculing people for having these feelings or making them feel inferior to you because of them.
Here's the thing, the problem isn't other people being annoyed by my loud laugh or my opinion on dating, the problem is how I let it affect me. And that's so easy to acknowledge but it's so hard to actually do something about. It makes me doubt myself and that's your first mistake because you have to remember (and this is so hard for me) that not everyone is going to like you. It's just not gonna happen. What really matters is liking yourself. And I'll be the first to admit that even that is hard sometimes. I'm far from perfect and I know my flaws better than anyone else. What I have to remind myself is that I have to love me and my flaws. Because as the ever perfect RuPaul once said, "if you can't love yourself how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an amen up in here?"
RuPaul you can get one hell of an amen from me. Which I guess is why I'm writing this in the first place. I'm frustrated. But I'm frustrated with myself for being so concerned with how other people feel about me and quite frankly how they treat me.
Today is the first day in the journey of relearning how to love myself, and I know this is going to be a long journey, and I hope you're able to help me along the way. Or at least join me for the journey because I know it's going to be filled with hiccups so even if you don't like me I'm sure you'll at least like when I have a melt down on a blog. Which as I'm writing this in my bed I'm realizing how weird it is to type out my feelings so I'm sure there will be a complete melt down at one point. Someone start taking bets on how long it will take, I'm sure not too long.
Also, I was worried about this blog and called my dad to help me wrap up my thoughts better because honestly I'm really bad at writing, I was a math and science kid and I swear to God this is how he ended our conversation so I hope you find it as funny as I do. Remember this is from THE MAN WHO RAISED ME AND IS SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME.
You're so far from perfect people should feel bad for you -Scott Mick