The holidays are the most wonderful time of the year... unless you’re single. It's cuffing season and that means that everyone has paired up and they're ready to spread the love both metaphorically and literally. But here's the problem, when you're single during the holidays you realize how much this time of year is not designed for you. So the constant reminder of being alone is just... fan-freaking-tastic.
Let’s go over some of the reasons why it's miserable being single during the holidays. Shall we?
Numero Uno:
EVERYTHING IS MADE FOR STUPID HAPPY COUPLES.
Wanna go ice skating? That's weird by yourself.
Wanna go to the movies? What are you a creep?! Find someone to go with you.
Oh the Lights Before Christmas at the Toledo Zoo will be fun! Have you ever seen someone walking alone there? No, you haven't. That’s something a psychopath would do.
Numero Dos:
Oh you're going to see your family over the holidays?! Guess what three questions they ask?
1. Hows work?
2. Oh you're still single?
3. Have you tried dating?
Listen Linda. At 26 when you're single, you work so that by the time Friday night rolls around you can open a bottle of wine by yourself and binge watch Sabrina on Netflix. God forbid you ask me to put on a nice outfit and go out, with my luck I'll probably run into my ex, which at the moment doesn't sound very fun. Also, I don't feel like watching Stephanie from high school who's gonna pretend like we're still best buds make out with her boyfriend before they start fighting because he doesn't like enough of her Instagram pics. Hard Pass. Yes Linda, I'm still single, it's nice to be reminded that no one is willing to spend their free time with me. It's a real confidence booster. Finally, I've tried dating and let me tell you.... I'm s**t at it. So thanks for rubbing that in as well.
Numero Tres:
Every good (AKA so bad it's good) Christmas movie has a love story. Here's my problem with Lifetime Christmas movies, they always make the leading lady a complete idiot. She always makes the wrong decisions she doubts every move that she makes, and sometimes the movie starts with her getting fired or even broken up with. Now when I see that I'm excited because I rub my palms together and think, oh hell yeah. That's me, I can relate, continue made for tv movie. BUT THEN out of nowhere the hot guy sees past all of her flaws and bad decision making skills and finds her charming and that is the biggest load of crap out there. That doesn't work in real life! Once a guy sees the 14 pairs of shoes and 6 coffee mugs in my back seat, he doesn't think oh isn't this an adorable trait. No. He's thinking this girl's a hoarder. Which in fairness isn't completely inaccurate, but I'm working on it. Don't judge me. And the cherry on top? There’s always that one scene where the girl falls and the guy is just there to catch her. You think someone is gonna catch me? Hell nah. He knows he’d be going down too and he doesn’t know me well enough to risk a trip to the emergency room, which if I’m being honest, I admire because health insurance sucks and I can’t afford medical bills so he’s smart.
Numero Four:
Decorate for the holidays, it will be fun they said. WRONG. Decorating starts out so much fun, you throw on Christmas music and you make yourself some coffee- preferably with a crap ton of Bailey’s in it. And things are looking up in the world. Until you hear the faint intro of “Christmas Shoes” and realize that the only stocking that you’re hanging is your own. Just yours. No one else’s. Also you have an apartment so for some reason we just throw a thumb tack or command strip in the middle of the wall for absolutely no reason and justify it by saying that it’s all for the “holiday spirit”. On top of that, it doesn’t just magically fill itself. That’s right you have to go out and then fill your only stocking randomly hanging in the middle of the wall while you try to convince yourself that everything’s fine and you’re normal.
Numero Five:
Speaking of holiday decorations let’s talk about mistletoe. You know what’s fun? Walking into a room and the first thing to happen is for a tiny stupid plant to remind you that no one wants to kiss you. What a stupid plant. Also, why is that even a thing? Like lets kill this plant and hang it on the doorframe like a sacrifice so that you can be reminded to kiss the person that you walked into this room with! Isn’t this fun! I know I could google the history of that tradition but honestly, I don’t want to. This is my blog, you can’t tell me what to do.
Number Six:
Just delete my Facebook now because everyone is getting engaged. The girl you work with, your cousin, that girl you hated from highschool- what do they all have in common? Stupid pictures of their engagement ring (not even of them and their new fiancée, nope it’s just the ring to show off to other people not celebrate their happiness). And then you feel obligated to respond “Congrats Girl!!” even though you don’t mean it. You’re sick of their happiness and finding someone they love so much that they want to share a bed- which is quite the commitment. I have very specific sleep conditions and I’m not about to compromise. I’m selfish (haven’t you gotten that by now). Every time I see one of those posts all I can think is I can’t wait to buy you a gift for your engagement, and wedding shower, and actual wedding. You’re gonna make me so broke, but I’m happy for you! (ish)
Now let me end this by saying: there is ONE positive to being single for the holidays…
My broke ass doesn’t have to buy anyone presents or get dressed up to go to their parent’s house and pretend like I’m normal for a couple of hours. And honestly, that makes it all worth it.